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| come take a little piece of me... |
| 06.02.04 (1:11 pm) [edit] |
I’m thinking… death.
Begging for her to come and save me.
There’s an aching in my veins that just won’t stop. There’s a punishment that has taken over my own shadow. I used to wonder if what I did was so bad. Now I know by the pain I’ve been feeling.
Let me fall into a deep sleep… and not wake up again.
I’ve been drinking the sadness into uncontrollable rage. Running into myself until I fall into a corner.
I know now not even death wants to come and be near me…
….please… please….
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| trying to find a way- |
| 06.02.04 (10:06 am) [edit] |
I’m not doing so good this morning. I’m tired, and it seems like the sky is never gonna stop shitting on me. I had a terrible afternoon yesterday trying to get things done and NOTHING got done. Except for me spending lots of money trying to get it all done.
I woke up this morning and Michael had come by last night to pick up all his clothes and other stuff.
I didn’t hear him around the house, I was asleep…
I wonder how he feels. And if he really doesn’t love me anymore… L
It’s a sad thought. I guess I’m just trying to get used to it…
“oey” (from friends)* and Diabla are gonna come by tonight keep me company. I invited the Mexican connection too (gonzo, pinguino).
I’ll let vanative know. I guess, the more the merrier. U know?
I guess the good thing Is that I’m almost home, you know? On the 8th of july I’ll be there. With my old friends (the ones that are still around, and the others I joined the marine corps with), and my family. My dad said I could live at home for free as long as I went to college. When I get a job I’m gonna help out anyway, and pay off the rest of my bills. And of course, he did say the college I would have to pay myself. I’m sure the cange of scenery will help. Silent asked me what I was listening to… I said nelly furtado and she laughed. I guess that’s my soul searcher music-
[i]
I'm tryin' a find a way
I'm tryin' a find a right
And if I budge I just might
I'm tryin' a find a way
I'm tryin' a find a right
And if I budge I just might
So I'm dancing to a new beat and it came to me in bed
My veins became a strain of light that I let to flow instead
And a wish came to me like Peter Pan at my window and said
Evolve your destiny child and you'll never walk alone-no
You'll never walk alone, but
Travel to the land of surrender till' you can't cry no more
Till you can't, till you can't
And you'll never walk alone[/i]
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| for all we know... |
| 05.27.04 (5:24 pm) [edit] |
They sit across each other. No words are spoken. They both know why he's here, again. But their wants and their feelings are as opposite as night and day. He wants freedom, to come and go as he pleases. She just wants someone to hold on to. It's a shattered glass window where his dreams escaped through the cracks. But her own still remain. The thickness of them won't come through. And each time she tries to set them free she cuts herself.
And right now there's just no other way. As he kisses her so passionately she lets go of her fears and lays back. Hoping he'd realize that what she's doing is not just physical.
She can already picture the end. When he gets up and goes back to his single apartment. Where the cold walls will again remind him of her. Of how warm his bed could be. But the grass looks so green right now. Even then, he can't figure out if it's the best thing he'll ever do in his life. He just knows that's what he wants right now.
She holds him back with all she's got, as if it were the last time. With all the issues going on, it might just be. They kiss and hug, and their touch is desperate. The clothes come off, the sheets crumple, and all they can smell is the heat between their bodies.
When all is done he stays. he holds her tight and she lets him. She knows is temporary. Like a fix, that heals the pain while she's still high but gets her more addicted every time. He waits patiently until she dozes off. He thinks she's asleep. But she rarely closes her eyes; it might make her miss the little time he's there. His arms are soft as he rarely moves from under her head. Moving slowly to not wake her. She plays along. He kisses her forehead right before he leaves.
She gets up to see if she's still alive. And plays a CD she keeps in her CD player. Walks her bargained body to the balcony. Lights up a cigarette and sings along;
[i]For all we know
We may never meet again
Before you go
Make this moment sweet again
We won't say goodnight
Until the last minute
I'll hold out my hand
And my heart will be in it
For all we know
This may only be a dream
We come and we go
Like the ripple on a stream
So love me, love me tonight
Tomorrow was meant for some
Tomorrow may never come
For all we know
We know[/i]
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| "Be Like That" |
| 05.26.04 (12:35 pm) [edit] |
It feels like rain upon my door. Trying to hold on to whats already gone. Trembling from despair, I give in Cause all I really want is time with him. Now the pieces of this game have all been played. Theres still some useless few that still remain. And all my heart can beat for is the feeling of his arms, even when I know he loves me not.
I keep on wishing on the same star. Wearing out its purpose to bring peace and kindness. And love.
I miss everything about him, the laughs, the fight, and even when hed break my heart. But more than my own happiness I miss his touch, and the kisses after the cries.
I take hot showers every night, if only to burn the feeling that keeps killing me inside. That acid that still remains within my veins, thats so slow and still, so fearless and corrosive.
My thoughts circle my will to be free and the yearning returns. Dont let me go, until Im asleep again.
My skin hungers for the feeding of his ghost. And I cant even breathe. Drowning in a pool of anguish that will forever rest in my soul. And I dont know, cant understand
The idea of him with someone else cripples any strength thats left in me. And I fall again, to pray.
But theres nothing really left but a pair of puffy eyes. Blurred from all the weeping they have endured. A set of hands that shake incessantly and a breakdown that is sure to fall away from holding back.
And when their colors have faded out, and theres nothing more to look at, I will still be waiting. And when my hands cant feel and theres nothing here to stay I will still be here.
Please come back dont let me fade away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
[i]
She spends her days up in the north park,
Watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just
A little piece of this dream,
Is that too much to ask
With a safe home, and a warm bed,
On a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to
Hold onto, thats all she needs
If I could be like that,
I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes
If I could be like that, what would I do,
What would I do[/i]
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| part ii |
| 05.24.04 (6:01 pm) [edit] |
look! it's not that i can't have booty calls-
but i still love the man... how can i just let him go after? knowing he won't be thinking of me in any other way?!
fuck!
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| Friends with benefits? |
| 05.24.04 (4:35 pm) [edit] |
Im sorry, what the hell am I to you? (Well obviously). You know, that breaks my heart so much you have no idea. A person you spent years with, wants to tell you that they dont love you or feel anything for you anymore, but still wants to be friends with benefits.
I hate the fact that men think that he could come over, get a nut, and leave like its cool. You know?!! Not someone you just met either! But someone you have had a deeper understanding with! Someone you used to hold and hug, kiss, and love to be around with. Go to the movies and talk to and promised to love them until the end of time.
Why? After everything we have been through.
I know I did something wrong, but not to become a booty call. Im NO ONES booty call. I have NO booty calls!
I have no one night stands! I fall in love I have relationships.
Sex is part of it And it may be REAL good sex, but thats only for the person whos going to love me, and take care of me and just because I still have love for you, dont think I cant keep my hands off of you-
I know I said earlier that me and georgy porgy were only friends with benefits. But let me tell you something, it was more. For both of us. And I have plenty of memories I could recall that can prove that. It wasnt LOVE, but it was close
I think the reason sex is so good is because of the feelings you get when that person comes close to you and breathes on you the nervous heart beat increasing when he looks at you. The softness in a kiss
Booty calls dont do that. I dont NOT do that!
I want to be the feeling in someone's laughter, the tears in someone's eyes. The worry in their mind... for my own SAFETY at all costs- even if it means you have to ignore your manly ego. I want everything, and i GIVE everything.
i don't need a 'penis' i need a MAN.
I DON'T WANT JUST A NUT, THAT'S WHY I HAVE A VIBRATOR!!!!!
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| Tu secreto debe pasar a formar parte de tu sangre |
| 05.21.04 (4:06 pm) [edit] |
estoy contenta. se me olvido que estar cerca de el me hace feliz. ayer pasamos la tarde juntos... y hoy no puedo parar de sonreir.
ahora me acuerdo por que hice lo que hice....
entre todo el enredo y todas las penas, nos dejamos de hablar. yo por miedo a que el vea lo que sentia por el, y el por miedo a que le diga que no me hable.
me hizo sentir tantas cosas bellas....
solo de pensar en el quiero sonreir.
estoy feliz. aunque se va hoy, y quizas ya no piense en mi, quiero soar. Soar en su dulce sensacion, en sus besos.
Sus ojos tan profundos, como suena al hablar (como en las telenovelas)
quisiera dejar de pensar en el asi. con sus manos... con sus labios y su voz en la obscuridad.
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| favorite mistake |
| 05.20.04 (4:29 pm) [edit] |
So i spoke to "georgy porgy" yesterday. we talked for about and hour and kind of set things straight. as much as we could anyway. i called him cause there's no one else to call that 'cares' about what's going on with me.. besides silent and my mom, (and because he's also part of it).
It felt really good to talk to him and to tell you the truth, it got me thinking of when we used to be friends...
and then when we used to be friends....with benefits*
anyway, i used to regret a lot everything that happened. i used to wonder if i went back knowing what i know now, would i change anything?
i think now that the only thing i would change is the big lie i told my future-ex. Whom even though all this happened, i still love dearly-
i wonder now if "georgy porgy" cared about me the way i cared for him. he used to say it wasn't just about the sex- but you know all guys say that-
he used to say a lot of things. so did i...
i remembered how it felt so good to just lay there... and watch tv. and be silly- and eat his food. :)
and the few times he asked me to stay the whole night.. i never did.
now i wonder if michael ever thinks of the good times we had? if they make him smile? :cry:
i always wondered if reallly loved me, (michael), i mean, he was weird you know?
cold and withholding, and always seemed to be hiding something. i never felt really at ease with him, always felt like he was creeping something. i think about the times i DID catch him, how it used to make me feel.. and wonder why i stayed through it all-
::flashback::
-Lo quieres?
-Who?
-Tu esposo
-(silence,thinking of an answer)-
-(holds breath)
-cada vez que estoy con el... solo pienso en ti, y no hago nada...
-(lets out breath... holds tight)-
::flashback over::
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| We cannot learn without pain. |
| 05.18.04 (1:38 pm) [edit] |
Do you ever feel like life is too hard and you cant deal with it, not that you dont want to, but that you just cant?
Thats how I feel lately.
Ive been feeling like that for a while, since my husband left on his deployment. When he came back, for the time he was here, I felt safe safe from everyone around me. Safe from evil and all the shit I get at work. Safe from peoples mouths and their hurting words, safe from all-
And now, I just feel like the world is back. Back here to hurt no one else but me. My mom told me this isnt time to feel like the victim, because after all, it was my entire fault. But that she understands that its hard for me. I just dont know what to do.
I feel like little by little Im going to lose it. Like Im so low Im bout to hit rock bottom.
My heartbeat feels light my head heavy.
My hands dont stop trembling and my eyes dont want to open in the mornings.
It feels difficult to breathe and last night I cried so much I blacked out.
I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. Im just writing about it because someone told me that might help me air out what I feel
And the last time I did it, it felt like it helped.
But this constant headache doesnt help me think
straight.
When you do something wrong, and hurt so many people, how do you go about fixing it? How do you ask for forgiveness....
I didn't MEAN to hurt anyone.. specially because the ones i hurt are the ones i love the most...
I just want to go home.
just so i could have someone to hold me while I cry thats all. a set of arms that won't judge me...
Don't we all deserve that much?
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| i often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation (George Bernard Shaw) |
| 05.14.04 (11:53 am) [edit] |
[u][b]Dear Sukrmom2,
Here is your horoscope
for Friday, May 14:
Instead of dwelling on wrongs, find a way to make it right. Mix and match freely, pulling together elements from many disciplines. Make yourself look really good -- it won't be hard.[/b][/u]
Well someones been reading my blog?!? Lol
I feel better today I woke up with energy and as goofy as I normally are really, I think theyve told me how sorry they feel for my family many times today. And its only 8:35 am. Theyre right, no dwelling today, but how to make things right? Oh well, right now I dont care. Lets smile and be happy.
Oh, that other job, I had to quit. I have no one to watch my baby at night so there it goes oh well. I learned a few things while I was there.
Its Friday, I think Im taking myself to watch a movie tomorrow... oh yeah, the baby too!
today, i'm gonna field day (clean). I was reading silent's blog and it gave me a good idea, get a six pack and clean, sing to really loud music and maybe dance.. (since i haven't been going to the gym)
Oh, and the making myself look good part- let me tell you all something
I ALWAYS LOOK GOOD!!!! Even when I dont(?!?!)
[b]quote of the day:
If fate don't happen on it's own, lube it up! ** [/b]
:wink:
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| I just want to feel, safe in my own skin... (Dido) |
| 05.13.04 (6:29 pm) [edit] |
Sometimes it feels as if Im going crazy. The pain is taking over me and I cant think clear. I have no one to cry on and it feels like my world is ending. I dont want my husband to leave me hes staying out with a mutual friend and I trust him (the friend) to watch over him and help him through this. But its been such hell, I dont feel well, and sometimes I wish I would just die. I wish for my own sake that I would stop punishing myself. My parents are being very supportive about everything-I guess thats what parents are for right? My child is the most wonderful and beautiful of all and yet theres so much pain I cant see past it. My husband seems to only point out all thats wrong with me and seems to easily forget who I really am even the goodness in me. Maybe its the pain hes going through himself, but he knows I am weak and Im afraid. I wish hed see a little more beauty in me- and see that just because Im no angel, it doesnt mean that I wont cry
Sometimes Im in so much pain that I cry and beg to be forgiven only to realize that I am better than that. Ive become the thing I never wanted to be-the woman that cant live without a man.
I know very well that if he doesnt come back Ill be all right. Ive done it before and could be done again. But what I know and what I want are two different things.
Silent tries to comfort me by telling me she truly believes that happiness is what we make it, that if there is no more happiness to give, and there is only struggle, then its time to be happy somewhere else. The only thing that is constant is change. Everything else falls into place. She said I should think of the many times that there was happiness and remember that EVERYONE deserves to happy. That MISTAKES happen and should not be held over someone's head. That if it cant be forgiven and there is only spite then its time to make a choice. I agree with her that there is no room for selfishness if love is still there. But does he love me? Thats the question Did he ever?
She mentioned how I have thrown myself at his mercy. Allowing him to say God knows what to me. Shes completely right, I have admitted and apologized and begged. I have made myself the slave to my mistake, and instead of him releasing me from those shackles he keeps me there at his feet. I sometimes wonder what has happened to me? Have I got no spunk anymore? Did he kill all the freedom I carried in me to make me so uncontrollably worthless and unhappy?
Silent, if you cant tell yet, is a very simple and reasonable, yet very philosophical person. We used to be roommates when I lived in the barracks and life around her was different. She was saying what love could do. How its a master of many things. How she can see my passion and how I feel, and that i dont deserve what I am going through because I have exposed everything.
Per my last entry she said that Pandora's box was meant to be open. Only the brave can endure whatever consequence.
Which is also what my mom mentioned a lot of people live their lives ignoring their heart. And I just want what I know I deserve.
My mom said I have to be strong. I know that, but its not that easy. she said that if he [b]truly loved [/b]me that he will forgive me and come back to us, FOR us. [i]He said there was no US...[/i]what is wrong with me? why can't i just let him go?
is it wrong to love someone like this.. am i loving in vain?
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| FOR MICHAEL* |
| 05.12.04 (3:53 pm) [edit] |
*you sent me a song that you relate to everytime you hear it.. about us-
well, this is mine. it says it all perfectly in the way i wish you'd know...
i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know
i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i'm sorry that i hurt you, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear
i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know
i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you
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| Can we be the heroes of our own story? |
| 05.11.04 (10:54 am) [edit] |
Dear SukrMom2
Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, May 11:
You want to be decisive, and if you choose the wrong thing, it's not the end of the world. Trust others to advise you -- consult the happiest people you know.
It seems to me like Im never gonna learn that people come and go. Its the tunnel of life and will continue to be that way forever. Who am I to think I can change things?
Ive been fighting for two years to make sure I keep my marriage. But all this fighting seems pointless when things dont change. Promises are always made and rarely kept. And little lies seem to surface and become greater than what they couldve been Only to increase the rate of pain already caused.
Sometimes I feel like Im the only one fighting this war. Trying to battle after battle only to realize the war is bigger and greater than any strength I think I possess. Greater than any power or will to keep what might not be meant to be-
Since the first day I saw my husband I knew he was the man I wanted to grow old with. I saw his pretty unperfected features in the future yacht, house, Rover of my dreams. But like the rest of those things I wish to have, it doesnt necessarily mean I will
Ive reached a point where nothing really matters anymore I just want to get out of this place and start a new life. I dont want to hold him down or keep him from starting a new too.
I just dont want to wait for a train that will never come to me- I wish I knew what he really wanted I wish he did too.
I heard in a program on the radio this morning that no relationship, no matter how close and amorous it is, is perfect. That all one can do is to ask for forgiveness, and forgive. That lets the person know you are sorry you hurt them. As well as letting them know that if they make a mistake, that they will be forgiven. That no one is perfect and learning to forgive and ask forgiveness is the best one can do. The problem with that, to me, would be that the person asking for forgiveness should keep in mind that whatever happened cannot happen again. As well as the person who forgives expects it to be that way. Saying please and thank you lets the partner know that you appreciate them. But what happens after all has been said and done yet it keeps on happening over and over. Does that couple still has a chance to make things work? Or is the taking advantage of each other thing becoming greater than the relationship itself? And if people need time to make up their minds how much time is good time?
Silent told me today that I seem so overwhelmed and that she knows right now I must be. That a distraction is good for me, cause I seem to bury myself in all the struggles and the pain. And it must be hard not to let it swallow me whole.
I know. And I ask God to help me cope better with the pain, everyday. There are times when it doesnt seem to hurt. Its like it sleeps for days at a time to gain more energy and come back stronger. She says that she hates it that I sit around waiting for the end, and that he's making this so hard for me that it seems like he likes to see me in pain.
But is there really more to life then happiness and pain?
I asked her if it seemed possible that people were born with an invisible little Pandora box inside their hearts. In the box, there would be two things, pain and happiness, the same amount of both things to use through your life. Can people use the happiness until it runs out and all they have left to live is pain? (And so it would be the same way the other way around)
I guess I think this because it helps to make things easier for me when Im in pain. Which could be 22 hours of my day. To think theres still hope for me even when my eyes are so blurred from the tears I cant see that far.
Is it possible to be completely happy?
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| Advice from Dr. Love Doll |
| 05.10.04 (4:21 pm) [edit] |
So call me love doll. Apparently the cute cult found a name for me. After breaking their heads trying to figure out a name for me they came up with one - I seem to be love dollish. Why? Well, Im petite but big in the right places (the butt) and yes I have many orifices of pleasure. HmmmmMMmm?
It seems that they needed the naughty cutie of the group and I seem to fit that description to the T.
That drives me to a whole new topic-
Some people feel so much shame to come in the store and buy themselves toys. I have friends (miss giggles, kitty) that keep insisting that these toys dont do anything for them. Let me tell you something people YOU ARE NOT USING THEM CORRECTLY!
To me, pleasure is a great thing that can stimulate or diversify your experience is not only NOT a sin, but therapeutic, both for you and your partner. Imagine couples that have been together for years and years-sex can either make, or break a relationship. Some people fall in love through sex (to me, thats really how it works- you dont keep seeing somebody who cant completely satisfy you). Anyhow, dont feel ashamed or disgusted to try new things with your partner. As long as you keep it between you two and you dont sleep around, theres absolutely nothing wrong with doing all you can to change things around on the bed (or sofa, kitchen, bathroom. Etc),
At work, Ive been reading all kinds of books on anything you could imagine role playing- oh yeah, lets get down to it baby! Another one of my favorite. I know what youre thinking Freak!. No my friend, its called I-wanna-keep-my-husband- interested technique. One of my many. LOL)*
Well, my point of todays writing was, theres help out there USE IT and this world would be a much HAPPIER place!
If youre interested in ANY subject, ANYTHING you wanna know about.LEAVE A MESSAGE and I will make sure to find out and accommodate you in the most informative way possible!
Dr. Love Doll*
p. s. my husband is going through a sex rampage!! YEEESSSSS!!!!
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| AND THEYRE PAYING ME FOR THIS?! |
| 05.05.04 (3:38 pm) [edit] |
Okay this is my second one today but I didnt want to put it all in one big one. I got a second job. I work at Sensually Yours down at Nimitz. For those of you who dont know, well, its a freaky-dicky store, a porn store for those who arent familiar with my form of expression.
I started last week and let me tell you, we have to learn how the toys work in order to provide better customer service. (LOL-exactly what I thought!!)
Anyway, so what do they pay me for?
Let me walk you step by step on a regular working night for me.
I walk in (sometimes late) and punch in. Start walking around asking people if they need any assistance finding anything in specific? When we dont have that many customers, or people dont need help, my co-workers and me open the boxes and put batteries on the vibrators to see how they work! Apparently, they come accessibly opened in order to test them before selling to the customer at the front desk. If anybody in this world reading my site has ANY questions on how ANYTHING works or if it even exists I AM THE ONE TO ASK!!! Lol
I barely remember what I did my second day- except learn which rabbit was the best and why!
The second day, we ran around spanking each other with whips!! Yes, thanks to my tight-ass jeans, Im surprised my husband hasnt asked me why Im all bruised up. Dont worry, one of the guys was gay, the other well, he says he isnt, and the other one was a girl. I even spanked some of the customers (females).
Oh yeah, and there two couples there that went together to buy sex-games. I think they were gonna get drunk and swing cause when I spanked my boss (girl) the guys asked if we were working late and if we wanted to come over and play with them
My boss said oh she cant, shes a mommy
To which of course a NAUGHTY mommy! But Id have to ask my hubby
They laughed and bought more things
Apparently Im so cute theyre gonna ask me to join the Cute-Colt. They all have nicknames and are still thinking of one for me. But its cute cause they wear these cotton rings with a C on each middle finger. Cute huH?
Back to my workday hours, my first day they gave me a book to read over and generally learn the toys and how they work and where to put them. Its called sex toys 101. Its a best seller, from what I hear.
My Third day, well, I did the same thing, except I looked over two books to see which was better, The Kama Sutra or Ultimate Sex. Yeah, I know hard work! I was surprise to find out that I did NOT invent certain positions I thought were my SECRET!
The fourth day I put the close out sale items stand in a very organized way. Dildos and vibrators in one side, the other side with Sadomasochists items and blow up dolls on the other, an well, the funny items on one side and the cock-rings (I dont know if I can even use that word here?) and Tit-clips on the other. The love-games and books were on the top.
And then, surprisingly, I tasted all the different flavors for lubrication oils to see which one was the best! Oh and right before closing we put the videos in orders such as, anal, girl on girl, role playing, etc!
Anyway, the 7th is employee appreciation day and we get an extra 10% off on top of our regular 30% for just working there. THATS ALMOST HALF THE PRICE WHAT EVER I SPEND!!!
Anyway, thats my new job. lol
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| happy again! |
| 05.05.04 (3:04 pm) [edit] |
I havent written in a few days and Im not gonna WASTE my time trying to vent on someone I once called a friend but I am gonna ask you all this, Isnt my best quality the fact that I will tell you what I think when I think it and wont lie to you? That I tell you the truth even when its hard to hear it? (To me it is, and Im not changing it, for NO ONE, and if there are people out there that cant appreciate it then-fuck you!)
Anyway, to better and bigger things, my husband flew in yesterday. I went to pick him up at the airport and it was weird because as I said in prior blogs, he wants a divorce. He seemed very happy to see the baby. Played with him so much it kind of made me sad. I wasnt getting any attention. It was like being punished for confessing to the truth (After lying).
Well, I asked him if he wanted to make it work? But he said no though in his eyes I knew he still loves me. I started to cry for lying to him Im sorry again baby. He came close to me and kissed me on my forehead, Ill be right back, Im gonna get a haircut, he said to me on our bed.
Im sorry I lied, I said to him, even though at times before now, I was sorry I ever told him the truth Knowing the risk of losing whats important to you wasnt the easiest thing to know when you are telling the truth. But to me its worse to live with the lie in my heart and pretending that nothing went wrong.
I know you are baby but theres only so much someone can take he said to me, as if hed never lied to me before!
Please dont go I asked him.
Look, I wont go, Ill stay, but we still gotta work on this he said, as I thought great, its not over yet.
I promise Ill do anything, just stay with me I pleaded one more time.
I am, baby, he said again.
I love you we said
Good thing is hes staying and though we went through rough times like this one and others before, I know this now Nothing is gonna break us apart. No one can break us but God.
I love my husband more than anything, and the things he does for me make me realize what a great man he is. Greater than most Ive known. Ive had two great men in my life
My ex and my husbandthe ex-relationship was lost through pride and immaturity. Through putting other things before each other for not knowing any better.
Im not letting this one go-EVER!
Oh the bad news Im on my monthly friend. Couldnt it wait two more days after my husband got here?! That still doesnt mean HE cant get lucky! Lol*
Oh, thanks to La Diabla for taking care of my little monkey*
I OWE YOU-
YOURE THE BEST!!!
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| OFFICE SPACE (a really under rated movie)* |
| 04.29.04 (2:27 pm) [edit] |
Okay, if youre new and dont know what I do, I just want to say I work in the field of Administration. And right now, I really hate my job, but I have a friend (MissFunnyHeHe*) who compared my work with the movie Office Space. Well, here are a few quotes from that movie that may relate to me talking to her about my work, and what her replies may sound like.
ENJOY
Peter: So I was sitting is my cubicle today, and I realized.. ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me.. that's on the worst day of my life.
Therapist: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter: Yeah.
Therapist: Wow, that's messed up.
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Peter: Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh.. it doesn't really matter. I don't like my job, and I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter: I don't know. But I really don't like it.. and I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter: Nuh-uh. Not really. I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Really?
Peter: Yeah.
Joanna: An hour ago.. so are you gonna get another job?
Peter: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well.. what are you gonna do about money, and bills, and--
Peter: You know, I never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that either.
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Michael: You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing and it was everything that I thought it could be.
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Bob #1: We're trying to get a feel for what people do around here.. so, could you just walk us through a typical day for you?
Peter: Well, sure Bob. I generally come in at least 15 minutes late. I use the side door; that way Lumbergh can't see me, and after that I just sorta space out for about an hour--
Bob #2: Ah wait--space out?
Peter: Yeah. I just stare at my desk. But it looks like I'm working. I do that for, uh.. probably another hour after lunch too. I'd say, in a given week, I probably only do about 15 minutes of real, actual.. work.
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Peter: I realized something today. It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us, together... We don't have a lot of time on this earth; we weren't meant to spend it this way! Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day!
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| CAN YOU? |
| 04.28.04 (4:35 pm) [edit] |
[b]This is a "song" i wrote... i have no music for it yet. but one day, when i become a rock star- i'll sing it. I have other songs i wrote i want to start posting. maybe i'll bring them in tomorrow-[/b]
"Can You?"
I have nothing that does not belong to you
Youve seen every gesture I have made
Theres no tone of voice from me that would sound new
And my body from your memory wont fade
Theres no single touch you have not savored
Not a single picture you could throw away
No position in love you have not favored
You tell me go, but youll be back soon to stay
Can you leave me and be happy somewhere else
Can you focus on tomorrow and not cry for yesterday
Can you see your life without me would be false?
I can change your thinking baby, Can you stay?
Theres a pain that just wont die around here
Though sometimes it feels like it is numb
In the mornings I can go without a tear
Its the nights when it all turns into crumbs
Youve had my dreams, my love and the color in my eyes
Some times you wonder if Im slowly going insane
My philosophies in life you find to be quite wise
Though sometimes it may seem I dont even have a brain.
You think i live my life as in a fairytale
And though you dont say it, you like me just like that
So now you tell me you want this love to fail?
Cmon baby, you cant get rid of this kitty cat.
Can you leave me and be happy somewhere else
Can you focus on tomorrow and not cry for yesterday
Can you see your life without me would be false?
I can change your thinking baby, Can you stay?
I too thought i could live without your smile
Seeing other faces only makes me want to call
Ive been smoking, drinking, thinking for a while
But this heartache now is taking over all.
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| cute boys always make you feel better* |
| 04.27.04 (6:17 pm) [edit] |
OKAY, I was having what you may call- a shitty day. SO MUCH FUCKING WORK AND IM THE ONLY ONE HERE TO DO IT. Well, my sgt has been helping me, but seriously we need our Marines to come back-
Anyhow, I was getting an MP (cute cute cute!!!!)* who was going TAD to a school out of here, when he suddenly said, are you okay?
yeah, Im fine I said without looking at him.
Is there anyone one out there bothering- anyone you want me to kill for you? he asked
I giggled as I said no, not today, thank you
Ill do it- [b]for you[/b], I will he said again.
I then got this really warm feeling inside, if you could just hear him say it (I still hear it and feel the same way all over again).
I think he was trying to flirt. To tell you the truth I wish I wouldve flirted back, but I just gave him his SRB and told him good luck on your school. Youre done
He just sat there and kept asking "i'm done? are you sure?" trying to look at the pictures up at my desk.
"YES" i said again, with barely a smile on my face
Anyway, he WAS cute oh yes he was
Nancy: [on cell phone] What? You definitely know there's a God 'cause why?
Bess: Because at this very moment I am a girl on a raft in a sea of male cuteness. Remember all those years in high school when I was like, "Where are all the cute boys?" They were here Nancy, at River Heights University (Marine Corps-for me), all along. Cute football boys, cute skater boys, even cute computer geek boys! I feel like that "Crocodile Hunter" guy. I have found the sacred watering hole of the gorgeous male. I swear, if I'd known, I would have gone to college (joined the Marine Corps) years ago.
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| all i care about is you- |
| 04.26.04 (7:29 pm) [edit] |
I can hear your pain by the tone of your voice
I can see the tears you dont want to show
No, I cant make you stay; its not my choice
Ill be willing to try again, that, you must know.
I learned the simple ways to spend a Friday night
Ride around site seeing doing nothing, wasting gas
The trips around the island when we got into a fight
Going to the beach, and just laying on the grass.
I miss your sexy phone calls, and that desperate sound
The way you laughed at me with all my silly thoughts
You know that you cant leave me; to you my heart is bound
To learn to live without you is not what you have taught.
Theres no way I could think of, to make you realize
That nothing else matters, as much as you and I
Let me be again, the one you idealize
How else could I say, that without you I would die.
Im waiting for you baby
Counting days for your return
Im standing alone on a maybe
But I dont care, for you I yearn.
There were days I thought our love was over
I could move on, stand proud, and protect my pride
It would mean nothing to be with any other
When they cant give the love you can provide.
Ive given you my way of thinking
My goofy ways, my smiles and tears
They way you hate my off key singing
My body, my soul and all my fears
Ill make up new ways to make you love me
Become another person you dont know
Beg you to stay crying on one knee
But please please dont let me go.
:cry:
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| When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirit |
| 04.26.04 (11:13 am) [edit] |
Dear Sukrmom2,
Here is your horoscope
for Monday, April 26:
It's not in your nature to hide your feelings, especially the more amorous ones. Today, however, you may need to sit back and be a good little lion -- for the sake of someone you love who isn't quite so brave.
Yeah, no shit. Are you serious?! :evil:
Lets just say that right now my feelings are of rage rather than amourous ones. Saturday was my husbands birthday in Okinawa, and yesterday it was his birthday here. Im not very happy about the fact that he hasnt called me in a week (to be exact) but the fact that he wont even give me that much!?!? He doesnt have the decency of letting me wish him a happy birthday (no matter how mad we are at each other) after being married 3 years- is outrageous!!!!
Im flipping out and I swear to God Im gonna kill him. And by no means take that lightly. I am past the sad-Im-not-sure-whats- going-on-insecure feelings right now; Im in the mood to KILL!!
And then I go find out that hes not coming back on the 29th, now its on the 2nd. And the only reason I know its because his MSgt keeps me informed
Ahhh
Anyway, nothing happened this weekend. Saturday I laid on my living room floor (rug) and listened to sad songs while I got drunk by myself.
Sunday I took off my ring :cry:
Today, Im not feeling sad, guilty or [b]suicidal [/b]anymore I guess the world doesnt stop for my broken heart-
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| The show must go on... |
| 04.23.04 (1:11 pm) [edit] |
[i]I was a fool to believe . . .
A fool to believe. . .
It all ends today. . .
Yes, it all ends today
Today's the day when dreaming ends[/i]
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
On and on...
Does anybody know what we are living for?
Whatever happened, we leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on...Does anybody know what we are living for?
The show must go on...The show must go on
Outside the dawn is breaking
On the stage that holds our final destiny
The show must go on. The show must go on
[u][b]Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on[/b][/u]
The show must go on...The show must go on
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| So when it rains it pours |
| 04.20.04 (7:52 pm) [edit] |
Someone freaking shoot me.
My husband wants a divorce but he tells me to wait till he comes back to decide. He has very good reasons to change his mind, but it hurts me that he still calls me and says hes still in love with me L I dont want to wait, the longer I wait the more it hurts but I wait because theres a considerably big chance that hell change his mind. And I know that it sounds bad because Im waiting for a maybe (which is completely not something I would do) and its destroying me inside.
Im seriously considering going UA. Im so tired of this place and everyone. I have 43 days to take terminal and now theyre saying that I can only take 30 because Im Command Essential. Right Right
Everyone at work is driving me crazy, and I just want to smack some of them in the face sometimes
Im having financial problems and my head is about to explode, (if I dont smash it against the wall first).
Im lonely and I HATE being alone but it seems all I want to do lately.
Im losing a large amount of hair (thinning) and its scaring me. The doctor said that it might be a post-partum thing.
I bet I could think of ten thousand other things that are going wrong but I rather go home right now and go to sleep. My husband said hell call and I dont want to miss the phone call I have a lot of things to ask him.
At least the day is about to end and I get to go pick up my beautiful happy son. He always seems to make me smile.
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| "Cuentale que te conoci bailando..." |
| 04.19.04 (4:28 pm) [edit] |
How should I start this? I had the most wonderful time I have had in a reeeeaally long time!
Let me start by saying that I dropped off the baby with the babysitter (for that night) and headed to the E-club. When we got there (around 10 pm) the band wasnt playing yet. But they were playing salsa already. We (gonzo, Pinguino, miss giggles, la Diabla, new-blonde-girl, and me) found a place to sit while I kept telling La Diabla about the cute security guard with the light. We sat there and Pinguino got me a Corona. He laughed at me and wondered why I didnt get any hard liquor. I figured he was already drunk. We were sitting, waiting and drinking, and the excitement in me made my hands shake. To tell you the truth about the whole night the most I remember is my sweaty back, how free I felt dancing ALL night, Colombian boy and laughing. I had such a good time I wanted to go to Sestinas (a nightclub owned by some Cuban lady I still havent met) the next night and dance some more
Kitty got there a little later (not all that late) and she was all tight in her painted-like jean outfit. She too noticed the security guy and now were trying to get La Diabla to hook it up!!! But shes greedy, man!
Now let me tell you about Colombian boy lol
GREAT DANCER. I cant dance that well, but dancing with him was easy. He took control and I had no worries but to follow (which is the way it really should be). I enjoyed dancing with him so much we dance for quite some time. The thing I liked most about him was the way he handled me. You know, when a man takes control and you feel helpless and completely lose control (Never mind, thats another story). I think I only feel that cause Ive been soo alone. I miss the presence of my husband
However, I had a good time. I cant wait till I can go out dancing again!! My legs are SORE and I cant even walk down the stairs!
Then Saturday Pinguino had a BBQ. I got there late and didnt really eat. But it was nice spending time with them, rather than being home alone and depressed
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Leaving is the longest word I ever learned
In the time it takes to say it, the whole world has turned
If a heartbeat lasts a lifetime then I've lived before
`cause I remember standing at this open door
This path is not the one I'd choose to travel
Even as we watch what tied us unravel
And the tears fall like rain
Deeper than crying, the loving still remains
Neither wants to be the one to say goodbye
And neither wants to be the one who's left to cry
But in our secret heart of hearts we both know
That the time for patching up has passed and it's time to go
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