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| Quote of the day* |
| 09.23.03 (4:00 pm) [edit] |
I feel like i'm taking crazy pills!!
Mugatu (zoolander)*
:D
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| still dreaming...(part II) |
| 09.16.03 (6:45 pm) [edit] |
I drove back to work on my way to Tripler (where I was going to take out my IUD). I came in and said to the duty “I’m pregnant” as my hands shaking from disbelief tried to hold and comfort each other.
I laughed, as the words seemed unreal and untrue. He looked at me with nothing to say and only a blank stare to give. I nervously giggled some more as I tried to get up from a chair I seemed to be tied down to.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, and I said nothing as I found no reason to my laughter. “Why do you keep laughing?” He seemed to be getting frustrated.
I didn’t know if it was the fear or the shock. I was sure it wasn’t happiness.
“It’s like a soap opera,” he said to me. And I laughed some more…
As the hours went by I couldn’t remember most of the things that had happened to me that day. It was all faint and purposely dismissed as I tried to carry on with what was nothing of a regular day.
I remember well what day it was though… The birthday of the man I was sure I felt nothing for and wanted nothing to do with. My divorce papers were all completed and all I needed was to go to court. Get my shit together and move out of a life I wanted NOT to be part of anymore.
It was my husband’s birthday-
The hours went by and only the quietness in my sleep brought me peace. I slept from the time I got home until 10:00 pm that night. Got up, squeezed into a pair of jeans, and went downstairs. The barracks was a party. It was a party of liquor, cigarettes and loud music. A party I didn’t seem to be part of anymore.
I sat downstairs while they all drank their problems away and sang to oldies. I heard him sing and he looked at me. He sang to me… “If you want something to play with go and find yourself a toy baby, my time is too expensive and I'm not a little boy. If you are serious don't play with my heart, it makes me furious but if want me to love you then, baby, I will, girl, you know I will...”
I smiled as he stole kisses while no one looked, and though we might have gotten caught, no one said anything.
An hour later I found myself in the bathroom with him. And his words still tremble in my head as he begged to know the truth. On his knees, I fell down with him, and tears rolled my eyes as I whispered, “yes, it is…”
That night, it all seemed perfect. The way I hoped I always dreamed it would be…
And as I woke up the next morning, I realized I had been fooled. The dream weaver passed through to leave nothing less than that… a dream. And I cried on my lonely single bed. I should’ve known better. I should’ve known it was all just a dream….
I tried to give him time, for him to make up his mind. But as the hours turned into days, and the days into months, I found myself holding on to nothing.
So I made my choice-
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| Die another day |
| 09.16.03 (4:14 pm) [edit] |
How do you feel the skin?
When you have touched the soul,
While standing still from a sin
That gave you more than it stole.
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| At least I’m still alive… |
| 09.12.03 (7:33 pm) [edit] |
Have you ever been sick, and you’re so sure you know what it is, and when they tell you, it’s what you completely DON’T want to hear?
I was wondering why my running was hurting so much. Was it the beer? I thought, “Damn, you know you have to cut down when you see someone you’ve always passed, pass you.” Maybe the cigarettes, “Okay now, I KNOW he can’t beat me either.” But these cramps, “maybe my IUD (intrauterine device) is out of place, maybe I have cancer or something.”
Days went by and I slowly became uncommitted to my booze. My hourly nicotine thrills were slowly starting to fade. Taco Bell all of the sudden seemed my haven.
“Man, I must be sick, I don’t’ know what’s wrong” I said to Jen and Gwen.
“You got to go get checked,” said Gwen with little importance as she sipped on her Bud light on what seemed to be a slow Tuesday afternoon.
“You know what it is?” Said Jen, as we all got ready to intake one of the most backward, drunken reply she had suddenly studied for the past 30 seconds. “It’s ‘cause a six pack of beer is equal to a balanced meal, or a dinner roll- something like that. Since you’re eating so much more, your body doesn’t need to drink as much. It’s your body adapting.”
And so we looked at her with resignation adopting her comment and trying to sink it in.
“Thanks, I’ll let my mom know it was you that helped turn me a little more stupid everyday” I said, and we laughed, as she insisted on her philosophy of life, food and beer.
A few more days went by and I finally decided to go to the doctor, simply because I was sure I must be dying.
I got to medical at 0715 in the morning. After two or three times of being checked by a Lieutenant that seemed to have gone through almost 2 months of medical school, I was told to wait outside. And so I waited, after so many tests, I thought there was definitely something wrong. “Fuck! I’ve got cancer, or maybe AIDS or some infection in the least” I thought as I sat there with a bitchy attitude to who ever tried to talk to me.
“LCpl Cox” said the lieutenant as I jumped up from my chair and walked in with him. He walked in his office and so did I, as he asked me to shut the door.
“Great asshole, why don’t you just tell me what’s wrong so I can get on with my life!” I kept thinking. As I looked around his office that was so small he couldn’t even fit a chair for his only patient.
“The tests came back positive” was the first thing he said to me… WITH A SMILE!
I looked at him and obviously asked “Positive for what?!”
“You’re pregnant!” he said, as if he had chosen to bless me with these words.
And so I stood there. Faint as my heart beat so fast I about had a heart attack. With memories running through my mind trying to figure out how the fuck did this shit happen?
“You don’t look too excited about it,” He said, without knowledge of what he had just done to me, to my life, to my future…
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| a lesson lived, a lesson learned |
| 09.09.03 (4:30 pm) [edit] |
So call me the asshole of the month. Yes me, because I stood my grounds and won’t back up.
Well, if that’s what you think, then you got another thing coming.
Recently (yesterday) I was encouraged to take care of a problem a little harsher than I usually would. I did, and I gave someone a 6105. In other words, I gave someone a counseling on his page 11.
Well, for the record, I’d like to say that it wasn’t my intention, but this person had it coming for a long time. Not only from me, but the rest of the Marines in charge around here. Too bad it had to be me, huh? But it was, and he should’ve known better.
You see, in the Marine Corps things don’t work the same as a regular job or career- or so everyone thinks. The truth is, it does. In every job, you may start being the one working for people. But as time goes by, and hopefully if it’s well deserved, you’re going to end up having others work for you. When it comes to rank, it’s the same way.
Right now, I am in the position to tell other Marines what to do and what not to do. I try to set the example myself, but as it goes, now I can change things (believe me, I’m still working on it) and things are going to change with me. As for me, I don’t believe I’ve changed much. I believe that after I got promoted, all they see is the rank, not the person.
I’d hate to disillusion the rest of the world in proving that I won’t hurt you when I can, and if you provoke me. That’s the way I’ve always been, whether with my work or my personal life. I try not to live by that motto but sometimes you will come to a point in your life where you will deal with assholes that won’t respect you, your rank, and the hard work you put in to get it, and more than anything, to keep it.
Anyway, my point was not to tell you what happened. As a good NCO talking about what might have happened to the life of one of your Marines (even if you’re involved in it) is gossiping. My point was to say that I did it and I’m not sorry. I will take this lesson and go with it. In no means, am I trying to say that I will pull rank when little stupid shit happens, but I will ‘use’ it when the moment calls for it. I'm not afraid, and I pitty the fool that thinks I am.
No one in this place will remain your friend when you end up being the one telling them what to do. But you can’t take sides, and you can’t gang up in professional environment.
Sometimes doing the right thing might make you the asshole of the month… that’s okay. I think someone else said it best, "You can't hold me down".
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| -out of reach- |
| 09.02.03 (2:23 pm) [edit] |
i saw you the other night. while you stood by your door longer than i needed to see you-
and i smiled at all around me, as my heart shaken from disbeleif cried.
I wanted to run to you, lay on your bed under your blanket and feel you- your skin against mine, warm and sensual.
I wanted to play with kisses and feel your hands, and tell you how much i've missed you*
-it made me laugh-
because i stayed. and thought about the distance between us. and how easy it could've been to walk over and ask you to kiss me. to lay with you if only for a few minutes.. to look into your eyes.
Instead i sat, and my weight felt like a rock pulling me down, not letting me move. As if it knew better than my heart.
And you dissappeared, as your door shut me out of your world once more. and i stood outside, looking in...
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Leaving is the longest word I ever learned
In the time it takes to say it, the whole world has turned
If a heartbeat lasts a lifetime then I've lived before
`cause I remember standing at this open door
This path is not the one I'd choose to travel
Even as we watch what tied us unravel
And the tears fall like rain
Deeper than crying, the loving still remains
Neither wants to be the one to say goodbye
And neither wants to be the one who's left to cry
But in our secret heart of hearts we both know
That the time for patching up has passed and it's time to go
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