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| losing you... |
| 10.28.03 (2:11 pm) [edit] |
I thought of the way we spoke (typed) yesterday. You with your opinion, me with mine, we stopped talking. All day yesterday I thought of you. I thought about it at night before I went to sleep. But couldn’t put it all together.
The thought of losing you emptied the hole inside of me. When words mean so little, I mistreated what you’re worth… to me, and I’m floating slowly, like the wind, hearing echoes I’ve shut off.
I missed you, yesterday, like I do today.
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| just you |
| 10.28.03 (1:22 pm) [edit] |
we're here, 30 seconds from each other. but these seconds feel like miles to me, when you live in a world that keeps growing...
and we opened a door yet closed another in our efforts.
it all seems obscured and so damn fake.
you talk to me like friends do. about the things that worry you-
and all i hear when you talk is her damn name, why can't you just understand?
that all i really want is to hold you near, to comfort you in my arms.. kiss you everywhere you hurt.. and make it better.
I feel like a stranger inside, like something's gonna give.
i thought of calling you last night, worried you'd end up doing something stupid.
yet i didnt, it's not my place-
instead i took a long shower, and drowned tears of frustration on my pillow.
i think to myself, "if i don't see you anymore..."
mumbling...."i just want to go home"
.. but there's more to this story, then you care to remember...
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| Damn activists! |
| 10.27.03 (3:15 pm) [edit] |
I was surfing through the channels on Saturday night as I reached the protest against war. I watched for a few more minutes, not because I agreed, but because it infuriated me.
Just my luck I started to watch right as they announced a woman (Teresa ? ), the next speaker. I sat up as she spoke about Cuba, the great things they have accomplished for such a great country that offers free medical and education to their people.
As I listened, I came to my decision this woman could not be Cuban. She couldn't ever have lived in a country like that one to speak such ignorant opinions, (agreed, she's still entitled to them).
She spoke of freeing Cuba of Bush and not allowing any Military bases on the island.
I sat and listened to endless "accomplishments" (or so they call them) like sending Elian Gonzalez back to Cuba to be re-united with his family (father). I looked optimistic for a Hawaiian address to go and speak my mind, as I realized it was happening in Washington. Thank God it was that far away, that might have been the stupidest thing I would've done in my life... :)
I kept thinking of the nerve this woman had. To speak about the greatness they have done for this poor little boy sending him back to a country without choices, food, clothes, but worst of all, without freedom.
I kept listening about the free medicine and education programs. I thought, when I was in Cuba (and that was about ten years ago) I remember my mother not being able to get aspirin, never the less real pharmaceutical medicine. To speak of free education is like giving a hip pocket class. You have an idea of how things were done but have nothing to back you up in the process. When I went back to visit, about 5 years ago, I stayed with a family that saved their rice portions for months before I arrived, just so they'd have something to feed me.
Is this lady out of her mind? She spoke of Military bases holding refugee Cubans in prison. You want to know the truth, at least they are treated with respect, they're fed and they're clothed. In Cuban prisons, (according to my cousin who tried to swim to Florida and got caught on his way) the people get tortured, and maybe even killed depending on what crime they've committed.
You see, I remember great things I lived in Cuba when I was little. But they were mostly because of the people, not the government. The people are great, but they leave the country not for lack of love to their roots, or being pushed by the American Government (like this lady tried to imply), but because to live in fear, is to not live at all.
Cuba is falling to ruins, search any website to see pictures or just ask me, I have plenty from my family's visits. The people are dying and are afraid to fight. Afraid for their families, afraid for themselves. The same with Iraq.
Picture this, if my grandparents would rather live in Cuba than Lebanon (they are genuine born Lebanese), just imagine which one is worst.
So when you hear activists ask to bring our troops home and free those third world countries of military bases. Think of what they are really doing for those that actually are trying to survive of a piece of bread a month. And remember, who is really helping who.
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| 101 Things About Me: |
| 10.20.03 (5:43 pm) [edit] |
01 I'm actually starting a paper I said I hadn't started yet.
02 I like to write poetry.
03 It rarely ever rhymes.
04 I can't live without television.
05 When I was a teen, I used to lock the door in my room and create dance moves.
06 Then I'd end up using them in my dance class.
07 I like to buy CDs of Female singers I've never heard of.
08 I wish I were as strong and creative as my mom.
09 But I want to be as intelligent and persistent as my dad.
10 I'm not as honest as people think I am.
11 I keep pain inside and can only let it out through anger, hate or poetry.
12 I want to have a black cat
13 they're easier to take care of than dogs
14 sometimes I don't want this baby
15 sometimes I want to be single
16 but I hate being alone
17 My husband levels me.
18 when I was little I used to want to be a pirate
19 Now I don't know what I really want.
20 I like garage sales and goodwill (it's like treasure hunting)*
21 I wish I were an angel**
22 I could never remember directions to get someplace
23 I love to drive for no reason and no place to get to
24 Doing that will always make me think of Carol
25 Sometimes when I explain something my answers are too long and I confuse people
26 I think there's something special about me that sets me apart from everyone else
27 I have yet to find out what it is...
28 I'm conceited
29 But I'm also shy
30 I never make sense
31 I like it that way
32 I think too much
33 It never ends up being something good
34 Jose and Me have a little secret :)
35 It's actually a good secret-
36 I want to become Head Director of a very important Corporation
37 I like to wear business suits.
38 My husband and me are as different as vinegar and oil
39 I think I'm the oil (lol)
40 I fall in love easily
41 It takes me a really long time to get over that person-
42 ...I usually don't
43 I hold my pee until I can't anymore (lol)*
44 I love to quote movies
45 I'm obsessed with love
46 My husband says I live in a fairytale
47 I don't ever want to wake up into reality
48 I flirt a lot
49 It's innocently, or so I think...
50 My patience fuels run low
51 I wish my baby were a little girl so I could have a relationship like me and me mom had
52 Sometimes I miss Kary (I'm not a real ogre you know, I only play one on TV)
53 I never know what I'm gonna make when I start cooking
54 Sometimes I come up with real good foods that I could never repeat-no matter how hard I try...
55 Sometimes I come up with disgusting foods that I don't EVER want to make again (carol, tenille, jose?)*
56 I think I'm a good driver... that likes to speed.
57 I don't think I'm gonna make it to 101
58 I like to throw stuff away when I clean
59 I live through music
60 I collect anything that has the Sun on it.
61 Kary used to be my moonlight sonata
62 I'm sorry I hurt her
63 My brother and sister are my first born(s)
64 My sister used to sing to me on my answering machine
65 Now she sings for the beibi
66 I almost married all my boyfriends'... *lol*
67 When I was little I wanted to be a grownup to not answer to my mom
68 Now that I feel myself growing up, I want to be a kid and be with my mom again
69 My dad once left me in the car for about 4 hours when I was little cause he forgot I was there
70 I was happy cause I didn't have to go to school
71 I forget tasks easily... very
72 I don't like spoons
73 I hate him cause everytime I hear his voice or see his face or think of him my heart sinks... (it's not fair)*
74 When I was little I was a VERY picky eater...
75 Now I can eat vegetables... (?!!?!??)
76 I get bored easily
77 I love the people I work with
78 I think I once touched God (i was on drugs)*
79 I never sing in the shower
80 I believe I know karate...
81 when I was little I had my mom enroll me in everything, (karate, aerobics, dance, singing lessons...)
82 I never finished anything-
83 I never remember which way we came in from in the Mall
84 I love eating in little "hole in wall" places
85 I am selfish and get mad when I don't get what I want
86 I wish I could kill someone and get away with it (i have someone in mind RIGHT NOW)*
87 I like to light on candles and play music to help me cry
88 It relaxes me and sets my sould at ease
89 I'm obsessed with creams and lotions and girly smelly thingies
90 I never end up using most of them
91 sometimes I get so upset I black out and destroy, break things
92 I hold grudges for a very long time
93 I never finish reading a book when i start reading a new one
94 My socks never match unless they're brand new
95 I love expensive shoes, purses, jewels and clothes.
96 I don't wear them anymore 'cause I can't afford to go to places like that on my own...
97 I hate it that Gwen bought Moulin Rouge (THAT'S MMMMIIINNEESSS MOVIE!!)*
98 My mom used to dress me for school while I was still sleeping when I was little
99 Now my husband does that :)
100 I hate feet... they're wrinkly and yucky (and they smell funny)*
101 I wanna go home... (where ever that is)
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| shattered |
| 10.17.03 (11:51 am) [edit] |
Your hand left tracks around my face,
did i try to kill us again?
You cried, and so did i, in our disgrace
when will this story ever end?
There's nothing left inside my heart
but the fear that we won't surpass
for to end it only means we'll again start
to break our world made of purely glass
The skies cried tears of repentance
as the Gods closed out their weary doors
and the complex string of this death sentence
will be the end of mine as well as yours.
And now there's nothing left undone yet unrepeated
there's no one left to care to talk to cry
only these two soulless and depleted
sickened bodies that don't really want to fly
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| frozen... |
| 10.07.03 (5:36 pm) [edit] |
your love is gone, yet the pain remains.
i cant be with you, and i freeze away
i can feel the relentlesness in my veins
so far away i feel a stray
so maybe you lied, and got your way.
Tell me then what's left to say,
don't look at me to lie again,
with fake importance to what you pretend.
i want not pitty, nor blame yourself.
I want not words to excuse the intakes,
i want your honesty, and the little that's left.
to give each other a forgiveness break.
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| insensitive* |
| 10.06.03 (7:15 pm) [edit] |
How do you cool your lips
After a summer's kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound of a voice
You'd know anywhere
Oh I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me you might have
some advice to give
On how to be insensitive
How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you've found a friend
How do you teach your heart it's a crime
To fall in love again
Oh you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive
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| we can't be friends... *(because i'm still in love with you)* |
| 10.01.03 (2:41 pm) [edit] |
i've got puzzles to be put toguether and some that will never be finished. today i realized that you can't force the heart to feel something it won't. I mean, i've known that-
today, it just hit me... HARD!
it goes both ways- for the one you love and then the one that can't love you!
but why is it that they always want you to remain friends?
"if it was friendship you wanted, why did you take it up a step? why do i have to hide what i feel and pretend everything is okay? Why pretend that it meant more than it did? What did you gain by making me beleive... YOU?!"
that's what i wish i could ask-
how can i get rid of a love that cannot be, that's still waiting for something-
i feel numb, frozen-
shut down*
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Leaving is the longest word I ever learned
In the time it takes to say it, the whole world has turned
If a heartbeat lasts a lifetime then I've lived before
`cause I remember standing at this open door
This path is not the one I'd choose to travel
Even as we watch what tied us unravel
And the tears fall like rain
Deeper than crying, the loving still remains
Neither wants to be the one to say goodbye
And neither wants to be the one who's left to cry
But in our secret heart of hearts we both know
That the time for patching up has passed and it's time to go
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