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| for all we know... |
| 05.27.04 (5:24 pm) [edit] |
They sit across each other. No words are spoken. They both know why he's here, again. But their wants and their feelings are as opposite as night and day. He wants freedom, to come and go as he pleases. She just wants someone to hold on to. It's a shattered glass window where his dreams escaped through the cracks. But her own still remain. The thickness of them won't come through. And each time she tries to set them free she cuts herself.
And right now there's just no other way. As he kisses her so passionately she lets go of her fears and lays back. Hoping he'd realize that what she's doing is not just physical.
She can already picture the end. When he gets up and goes back to his single apartment. Where the cold walls will again remind him of her. Of how warm his bed could be. But the grass looks so green right now. Even then, he can't figure out if it's the best thing he'll ever do in his life. He just knows that's what he wants right now.
She holds him back with all she's got, as if it were the last time. With all the issues going on, it might just be. They kiss and hug, and their touch is desperate. The clothes come off, the sheets crumple, and all they can smell is the heat between their bodies.
When all is done he stays. he holds her tight and she lets him. She knows is temporary. Like a fix, that heals the pain while she's still high but gets her more addicted every time. He waits patiently until she dozes off. He thinks she's asleep. But she rarely closes her eyes; it might make her miss the little time he's there. His arms are soft as he rarely moves from under her head. Moving slowly to not wake her. She plays along. He kisses her forehead right before he leaves.
She gets up to see if she's still alive. And plays a CD she keeps in her CD player. Walks her bargained body to the balcony. Lights up a cigarette and sings along;
[i]For all we know
We may never meet again
Before you go
Make this moment sweet again
We won't say goodnight
Until the last minute
I'll hold out my hand
And my heart will be in it
For all we know
This may only be a dream
We come and we go
Like the ripple on a stream
So love me, love me tonight
Tomorrow was meant for some
Tomorrow may never come
For all we know
We know[/i]
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| "Be Like That" |
| 05.26.04 (12:35 pm) [edit] |
It feels like rain upon my door. Trying to hold on to what’s already gone. Trembling from despair, I give in… ‘Cause all I really want is time with him. Now the pieces of this game have all been played. There’s still some useless few that still remain. And all my heart can beat for is the feeling of his arms, even when I know he loves me not.
I keep on wishing on the same star. Wearing out it’s purpose to bring peace and kindness…. And love.
I miss everything about him, the laughs, the fight, and even when he’d break my heart. But more than my own happiness I miss his touch, and the kisses after the cries.
I take hot showers every night, if only to burn the feeling that keeps killing me inside. That acid that still remains within my veins, that’s so slow and still, so fearless and corrosive.
My thoughts circle my will to be free and the yearning returns. Don’t let me go, until I’m asleep again.
My skin hungers for the feeding of his ghost. And I can’t even breathe. Drowning in a pool of anguish that will forever rest in my soul. And I don’t know, can’t understand…
The idea of him with someone else cripples any strength that’s left in me. And I fall again, to pray.
But there’s nothing really left but a pair of puffy eyes. Blurred from all the weeping they have endured. A set of hands that shake incessantly and a breakdown that is sure to fall away from holding back.
And when their colors have faded out, and there’s nothing more to look at, I will still be waiting. And when my hands can’t feel and there’s nothing here to stay… I will still be here.
Please come back… don’t let me fade away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
[i]
She spends her days up in the north park,
Watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just
A little piece of this dream,
Is that too much to ask
With a safe home, and a warm bed,
On a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to
Hold onto, that’s all she needs
If I could be like that,
I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes
If I could be like that, what would I do,
What would I do[/i]
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| part ii |
| 05.24.04 (6:01 pm) [edit] |
look! it's not that i can't have booty calls-
but i still love the man... how can i just let him go after? knowing he won't be thinking of me in any other way?!
fuck!
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| Friends with benefits? |
| 05.24.04 (4:35 pm) [edit] |
I’m sorry, what the hell am I to you? (Well obviously). You know, that breaks my heart… so much you have no idea. A person you spent years with, wants to tell you that they don’t love you or feel anything for you anymore, but still wants to ‘be friends with benefits’.
I hate the fact that men think that he could come over, get a nut, and leave like it’s cool. You know?!! Not someone you just met either! But someone you have had a deeper understanding with! Someone you used to hold and hug, kiss, and love to be around with. Go to the movies and talk to and promised to love them until the end of time.
Why? After everything… we have been through.
I know I did something wrong, but not to become a booty call. I’m NO ONE’S booty call. I have NO booty calls!
I have no one night stands! I fall in love… I have relationships.
Sex is part of it… And it may be REAL good sex, but that’s only for the person who’s going to love me, and take care of me… and just because I still have love for you, don’t think I can’t keep my hands off of you-
I know I said earlier that me and georgy porgy were only friends with benefits. But let me tell you something, it was more. For both of us. And I have plenty of memories I could recall that can prove that. It wasn’t LOVE, but it was close…
I think the reason sex is so good is because of the feelings you get when that person comes close to you and breathes on you… the nervous heart beat increasing when he looks at you. The softness in a kiss…
Booty calls don’t do that. “I” don’t NOT do that!
I want to be the feeling in someone's laughter, the tears in someone's eyes. The worry in their mind... for my own SAFETY at all costs- even if it means you have to ignore your manly ego. I want everything, and i GIVE everything.
i don't need a 'penis' i need a MAN.
I DON'T WANT JUST A NUT, THAT'S WHY I HAVE A VIBRATOR!!!!!
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| Tu secreto debe pasar a formar parte de tu sangre |
| 05.21.04 (4:06 pm) [edit] |
estoy contenta. se me olvido que estar cerca de el me hace feliz. ayer pasamos la tarde juntos... y hoy no puedo parar de sonreir.
ahora me acuerdo por que hice lo que hice....
entre todo el enredo y todas las penas, nos dejamos de hablar. yo por miedo a que el vea lo que sentia por el, y el por miedo a que le diga que no me hable.
me hizo sentir tantas cosas bellas....
solo de pensar en el quiero sonreir.
estoy feliz. aunque se va hoy, y quizas ya no piense en mi, quiero soñar. Soñar en su dulce sensacion, en sus besos.
Sus ojos tan profundos, como suena al hablar (como en las telenovelas)
quisiera dejar de pensar en el asi. con sus manos... con sus labios y su voz en la obscuridad.
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| favorite mistake |
| 05.20.04 (4:29 pm) [edit] |
So i spoke to "georgy porgy" yesterday. we talked for about and hour and kind of set things straight. as much as we could anyway. i called him cause there's no one else to call that 'cares' about what's going on with me.. besides silent and my mom, (and because he's also part of it).
It felt really good to talk to him and to tell you the truth, it got me thinking of when we used to be friends...
and then when we used to be friends....with benefits*
anyway, i used to regret a lot everything that happened. i used to wonder if i went back knowing what i know now, would i change anything?
i think now that the only thing i would change is the big lie i told my future-ex. Whom even though all this happened, i still love dearly-
i wonder now if "georgy porgy" cared about me the way i cared for him. he used to say it wasn't just about the sex- but you know all guys say that-
he used to say a lot of things. so did i...
i remembered how it felt so good to just lay there... and watch tv. and be silly- and eat his food. :)
and the few times he asked me to stay the whole night.. i never did.
now i wonder if michael ever thinks of the good times we had? if they make him smile? :cry:
i always wondered if reallly loved me, (michael), i mean, he was weird you know?
cold and withholding, and always seemed to be hiding something. i never felt really at ease with him, always felt like he was creeping something. i think about the times i DID catch him, how it used to make me feel.. and wonder why i stayed through it all-
::flashback::
-Lo quieres?
-Who?
-Tu esposo
-(silence,thinking of an answer)-
-(holds breath)
-cada vez que estoy con el... solo pienso en ti, y no hago nada...
-(lets out breath... holds tight)-
::flashback over::
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| We cannot learn without pain. |
| 05.18.04 (1:38 pm) [edit] |
Do you ever feel like life is too hard and you can’t deal with it, not that you don’t want to, but that you just can’t?
That’s how I feel lately.
I’ve been feeling like that for a while, since my husband left on his deployment. When he came back, for the time he was here, I felt safe… safe from everyone around me. Safe from evil and all the shit I get at work. Safe from people’s mouths and their hurting words, safe from all-
And now, I just feel like the world is back. Back here to hurt no one else but me. My mom told me this isn’t time to feel like the victim, because after all, it was my entire fault. But that she understands that it’s hard for me. I just don’t know what to do.
I feel like little by little I’m going to lose it. Like I’m so low I’m ‘bout to hit rock bottom.
My heartbeat feels light… my head heavy.
My hands don’t stop trembling and my eyes don’t want to open in the mornings.
It feels difficult to breathe and last night I cried so much I blacked out.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m just writing about it because someone told me that might help me air out what I feel…
And the last time I did it, it felt like it helped.
But this constant headache doesn’t help me think
straight.
When you do something wrong, and hurt so many people, how do you go about fixing it? How do you ask for forgiveness....
I didn't MEAN to hurt anyone.. specially because the ones i hurt are the ones i love the most...
I just want to go home.
just so i could have someone to hold me while I cry… that’s all. a set of arms that won't judge me...
Don't we all deserve that much?
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| i often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation (George Bernard Shaw) |
| 05.14.04 (11:53 am) [edit] |
[u][b]Dear Sukrmom2,
Here is your horoscope
for Friday, May 14:
Instead of dwelling on wrongs, find a way to make it right. Mix and match freely, pulling together elements from many disciplines. Make yourself look really good -- it won't be hard.[/b][/u]
Well… someone’s been reading my blog?!? Lol
I feel better today… I woke up with energy and as goofy as I normally are… really, I think they’ve told me how sorry they feel for my family many times today. And it’s only 8:35 am. They’re right, no dwelling today, but how to make things right? Oh well, right now I don’t care. Let’s smile and be happy.
Oh, that other job, I had to quit. I have no one to watch my baby at night so there it goes… oh well. I learned a few things while I was there.
It’s Friday, I think I’m taking myself to watch a movie tomorrow... oh yeah, the baby too!
today, i'm gonna field day (clean). I was reading silent's blog and it gave me a good idea, get a six pack and clean, sing to really loud music and maybe dance.. (since i haven't been going to the gym)
Oh, and the making myself look good part- let me tell you all something…
I ALWAYS LOOK GOOD!!!! Even when I don’t…(?!?!)
[b]quote of the day:
If fate don't happen on it's own, lube it up! ** [/b]
:wink:
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| I just want to feel, safe in my own skin... (Dido) |
| 05.13.04 (6:29 pm) [edit] |
Sometimes it feels as if I’m going crazy. The pain is taking over me and I can’t think clear. I have no one to cry on and it feels like my world is ending. I don’t want my husband to leave me… he’s staying out with a mutual friend and I trust him (the friend) to watch over him and help him through this. But it’s been such hell, I don’t feel well, and sometimes I wish I would just die. I wish for my own sake that I would stop punishing myself. My parents are being very supportive about everything-I guess that’s what parents are for… right? My child is the most wonderful and beautiful of all and yet there’s so much pain I can’t see past it. My husband seems to only point out all that’s wrong with me and seems to easily forget who I really am… even the goodness in me. Maybe it’s the pain he’s going through himself, but he knows I am weak… and I’m afraid. I wish he’d see a little more beauty in me- and see that just because “I’m no angel, it doesn’t mean that I wont’ cry…”
Sometimes I’m in so much pain that I cry and beg to be forgiven… only to realize that I am better than that. I’ve become the thing I never wanted to be-the woman that can’t live without a man.
I know very well that if he doesn’t come back I’ll be all right. I’ve done it before and could be done again. But what I know and what I want are two different things.
Silent tries to comfort me by telling me she truly believes that happiness is what we make it, that if there is no more happiness to give, and there is only struggle, then its time to be happy somewhere else. The only thing that is constant is change. Everything else falls into place. She said I should think of the many times that there was happiness and remember that EVERYONE deserves to happy. That MISTAKES happen and should not be held over someone's head. That if it cant be forgiven and there is only spite then its time to make a choice. I agree with her that there is no room for selfishness if love is still there. But does he love me? That’s the question… Did he ever?
She mentioned how I have thrown myself at his mercy. Allowing him to say God knows what to me. She’s completely right, I have admitted and apologized and begged. I have made myself the slave to my mistake, and instead of him releasing me from those shackles he keeps me there at his feet. I sometimes wonder what has happened to me? Have I got no spunk anymore? Did he kill all the freedom I carried in me to make me so uncontrollably worthless and unhappy?
Silent, if you can’t tell yet, is a very simple and reasonable, yet very philosophical person. We used to be roommates when I lived in the barracks and life around her was different. She was saying what love could do. How its a master of many things. How she can see my passion and how I feel, and that i don’t deserve what I am going through because I have exposed everything.
Per my last entry she said that Pandora's box was meant to be open. Only the brave can endure whatever consequence.
Which is also what my mom mentioned… a lot of people live their lives ignoring their heart. And I just want what I know I deserve.
My mom said I have to be strong. I know that, but it’s not that easy. …she said that if he [b]truly loved [/b]me that he will forgive me… and come back to us, FOR us. [i]He said there was no US...[/i]what is wrong with me? why can't i just let him go?
is it wrong to love someone like this.. am i loving in vain?
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| FOR MICHAEL* |
| 05.12.04 (3:53 pm) [edit] |
*you sent me a song that you relate to everytime you hear it.. about us-
well, this is mine. it says it all perfectly in the way i wish you'd know...
i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know
i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i'm sorry that i hurt you, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear
i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know
i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you
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| Can we be the heroes of our own story? |
| 05.11.04 (10:54 am) [edit] |
Dear SukrMom2
Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, May 11:
You want to be decisive, and if you choose the wrong thing, it's not the end of the world. Trust others to advise you -- consult the happiest people you know.
It seems to me like I’m never gonna learn that people come and go. It’s the tunnel of life and will continue to be that way forever. Who am I to think I can change things?
I’ve been fighting for two years to make sure I keep my marriage. But all this fighting seems pointless when things don’t change. Promises are always made and rarely kept. And little lies seem to surface and become greater than what they could’ve been… Only to increase the rate of pain already caused.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one fighting this war. Trying to battle after battle only to realize the war is bigger and greater than any strength I think I possess. Greater than any power or will to keep what might not be meant to be-
Since the first day I saw my husband I knew he was the man I wanted to grow old with. I saw his pretty unperfected features in the future yacht, house, Rover of my dreams. But like the rest of those things I wish to have, it doesn’t necessarily mean I will…
I’ve reached a point where nothing really matters anymore… I just want to get out of this place and start a new life. I don’t want to ‘hold him down’ or keep him from starting a new too.
I just don’t’ want to wait for a train that will never come to me- I wish I knew what he really wanted… I wish he did too.
I heard in a program on the radio this morning that no relationship, no matter how close and amorous it is, is perfect. That all one can do is to ask for forgiveness, and forgive. That lets the person know you are sorry you hurt them. As well as letting them know that if they make a mistake, that they will be forgiven. That no one is perfect and learning to forgive and ask forgiveness is the best one can do. The problem with that, to me, would be that the person asking for forgiveness should keep in mind that whatever happened cannot happen again. As well as the person who forgives expects it to be that way. Saying please and thank you lets the partner know that you appreciate them. But what happens after all has been said and done… yet it keeps on happening over and over. Does that couple still has a chance to make things work? Or is the ‘taking advantage of each other’ thing becoming greater than the relationship itself? And if people need time to make up their minds… how much time is good time?
Silent told me today that I seem so overwhelmed and that she knows right now I must be. That a distraction is good for me, cause I seem to bury myself in all the struggles and the pain. And it must be hard not to let it swallow me whole.
I know. And I ask God to help me cope better with the pain, everyday. There are times when it doesn’t seem to hurt. It’s like it sleeps for days at a time to gain more energy and come back stronger. She says that she hates it that I sit around waiting for the end, and that he's making this so hard for me that it seems like he likes to see me in pain.
But is there really more to life then happiness and pain?
I asked her if it seemed possible that people were born with an invisible little Pandora box inside their hearts. In the box, there would be two things, pain and happiness, the same amount of both things to use through your life. Can people use the happiness until it runs out and all they have left to live is pain? (And so it would be the same way the other way around…)
I guess I think this because it helps to make things easier for me when I’m in pain. Which could be 22 hours of my day. To think there’s still hope for me even when my eyes are so blurred from the tears I can’t see that far.
Is it possible to be completely happy?
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| Advice from Dr. Love Doll |
| 05.10.04 (4:21 pm) [edit] |
So call me love doll. Apparently the cute cult found a name for me. After breaking their heads trying to figure out a name for me they came up with one - I seem to be “love dollish”. Why? Well, I’m petite but big in the ‘right’ places (the butt) and yes… I have many orifices of pleasure…. HmmmmMMmm?
It seems that they needed the ‘naughty cutie’ of the group and I seem to fit that description to the T.
That drives me to a whole new topic-
Some people feel so much shame to come in the store and buy themselves toys. I have friends (miss giggles, kitty) that keep insisting that these toys don’t do anything for them. Let me tell you something people… YOU ARE NOT USING THEM CORRECTLY!
To me, pleasure is a great thing… that can stimulate or diversify your experience is not only NOT a sin, but therapeutic, both for you and your partner. Imagine couples that have been together for years and years-sex can either make, or break a relationship. Some people fall in love through sex (to me, that’s really how it works- you don’t keep seeing somebody who can’t completely satisfy you). Anyhow, don’t feel ashamed or disgusted to try new things with your partner. As long as you keep it between you two and you don’t sleep around, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing all you can to change things around on the bed (or sofa, kitchen, bathroom…. Etc),
At work, I’ve been reading all kinds of books on anything you could imagine… role playing- oh yeah, let’s get down to it baby! Another one of my favorite. I know what you’re thinking… “Freak!”. No my friend, it’s called “I-wanna-keep-my-husband- interested” technique. One of my many…. LOL)*
Well, my point of today’s writing was, there’s help out there… USE IT and this world would be a much HAPPIER place!
If you’re interested in ANY subject, ANYTHING you wanna know about.LEAVE A MESSAGE and I will make sure to find out and accommodate you in the most informative way possible!
Dr. Love Doll*
p. s. my husband is going through a sex rampage!! YEEESSSSS!!!!
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| AND THEY’RE PAYING ME FOR THIS?! |
| 05.05.04 (3:38 pm) [edit] |
Okay this is my second one today but I didn’t want to put it all in one big one. I got a second job. I work at “Sensually Yours” down at Nimitz. For those of you who don’t know, well, it’s a ‘freaky-dicky store”, a porn store for those who aren’t familiar with my form of expression.
I started last week and let me tell you, we have to learn how the toys work in order to provide better customer service. (LOL-exactly what I thought!!)
Anyway, so what do they pay me for?
Let me walk you step by step on a regular working night for me.
I walk in (sometimes late) and punch in. Start walking around asking people if they need any assistance finding anything in specific? When we don’t have that many customers, or people don’t need help, my co-workers and me open the boxes and put batteries on the vibrators to see how they work! Apparently, they come accessibly opened in order to test them before selling to the customer at the front desk. If anybody in this world reading my site has ANY questions on how ANYTHING works or if it even exists… I AM THE ONE TO ASK!!! Lol
I barely remember what I did my second day- except learn which “rabbit” was the best and why!
The second day, we ran around spanking each other with whips!! Yes, thanks to my tight-ass jeans, I’m surprised my husband hasn’t asked me why I’m all bruised up. Don’t worry, one of the guys was gay, the other… well, he ‘says’ he isn’t, and the other one was a girl. I even spanked some of the customers (females).
Oh yeah, and there two couples there that went together to buy sex-games. I think they were gonna get drunk and ‘swing’ cause when I spanked my boss (girl) the guys asked if we were working late and if we wanted to come over and play with them…
My boss said “oh she can’t, she’s a mommy”
To which of course “a NAUGHTY mommy! But I’d have to ask my hubby”
They laughed and bought more things…
Apparently I’m so cute they’re gonna ask me to join the “Cute-Colt”. They all have nicknames and are still thinking of one for me. But it’s cute cause they wear these cotton rings with a “C” on each middle finger. Cute huH?
Back to my workday hours, my first day they gave me a book to read over and generally learn the toys and how they work and ‘where to put them’. It’s called “sex toys 101”. It’s a best seller, from what I hear.
My Third day, well, I did the same thing, except I looked over two books to see which was better, “The Kama Sutra” or “Ultimate Sex”. Yeah, I know… hard work! I was surprise to find out that I did NOT invent certain positions I thought were my SECRET!
The fourth day I put the “close out” sale items stand in a very organized way. Dildos and vibrators in one side, the other side with Sadomasochists items and blow up dolls on the other, an well, the funny items on one side and the cock-rings (I don’t know if I can even use that word here?) and Tit-clips on the other. The ‘love-games’ and books were on the top.
And then, surprisingly, I tasted all the different flavors for lubrication oils to see which one was the best! Oh and right before closing we put the videos in orders such as, “anal, girl on girl, role playing, etc!
Anyway, the 7th is employee appreciation day and we get an extra 10% off on top of our regular 30% for just working there. THAT’S ALMOST HALF THE PRICE WHAT EVER I SPEND!!!
Anyway, that’s my new job. lol
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| happy again! |
| 05.05.04 (3:04 pm) [edit] |
I haven’t written in a few days and I’m not gonna WASTE my time trying to vent on someone I once called a friend… but I am gonna ask you all this, Isn’t my best quality the fact that I will tell you what I think when I think it and won’t lie to you? That I tell you the truth even when it’s hard to hear it? (To me it is, and I’m not changing it, for NO ONE, and if there are people out there that can’t appreciate it then-fuck you!)
Anyway, to better and bigger things, my husband flew in yesterday. I went to pick him up at the airport and it was weird because as I said in prior blogs, he wants a divorce. He seemed very happy to see the baby. Played with him so much it kind of made me sad. I wasn’t getting any attention. It was like being punished for confessing to the truth… (After lying).
Well, I asked him if he wanted to make it work? But he said no… though in his eyes I knew he still loves me. I started to cry for lying to him… I’m sorry again baby. He came close to me and kissed me on my forehead, “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna get a haircut”, he said to me on our bed.
“I’m sorry I lied,” I said to him, even though at times before now, I was sorry I ever told him the truth… Knowing the risk of losing what’s important to you wasn’t the easiest thing to know when you are telling the truth. But to me it’s worse to live with the lie in my heart and pretending that nothing went wrong.
“I know you are baby… but there’s only so much someone can take” he said to me, as if he’d never lied to me before!
“Please don’t go…” I asked him.
“Look, I won’t go, I’ll stay, but we still gotta work on this…” he said, as I thought ‘great, it’s not over yet’.
“I promise I’ll do anything, just stay with me” I pleaded one more time.
“I am, baby,” he said again.
“I love you” we said…
Good thing is he’s staying… and though we went through rough times like this one and others before, I know this now… Nothing is gonna break us apart. No one can break us but God.
I love my husband more than anything, and the things he does for me make me realize what a great man he is. Greater than most I’ve known. I’ve had two great men in my life…
My ex and my husband…the ex-relationship was lost through pride and immaturity. Through putting other things before each other for not knowing any better.
I’m not letting this one go-EVER!
Oh the bad news… I’m on my monthly friend. Couldn’t it wait two more days after my husband got here?! That still doesn’t mean HE can’t get lucky! Lol*
Oh, thanks to La Diabla for taking care of my little monkey*
I OWE YOU-
YOU’RE THE BEST!!!
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Leaving is the longest word I ever learned
In the time it takes to say it, the whole world has turned
If a heartbeat lasts a lifetime then I've lived before
`cause I remember standing at this open door
This path is not the one I'd choose to travel
Even as we watch what tied us unravel
And the tears fall like rain
Deeper than crying, the loving still remains
Neither wants to be the one to say goodbye
And neither wants to be the one who's left to cry
But in our secret heart of hearts we both know
That the time for patching up has passed and it's time to go
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